yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
