you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
