just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
