I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
