if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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