when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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