Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
