literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
