My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
