Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
