his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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