Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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