where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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