highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
