you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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