she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm like, not good at living.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
