problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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