maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
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