I faked an abortion last night.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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