so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i love accidental penises.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
