I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm both gender and math confused
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
