cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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