The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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