Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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