you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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