my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
