just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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