On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
