I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
