I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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