While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
