you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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