Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
