i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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