the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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