Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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