i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just pee around me
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
