The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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