u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I puked a lego.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
