Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
