Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
