Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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