his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
