Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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