I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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