the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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