she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
