Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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