I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
