Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
