I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
