Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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