Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
