I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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