just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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